HIGHLY SENSITIVE PARENTING
Do you sometimes feel like you’re going crazy due to the sheer amount of noise in your home? Maybe you feel touched out and can’t stand the thought of cuddling up with your toddler at bedtime? These are actually very common experiences that many parents experience. This blog post will offer you some context as to why this is happening and some resources to help you get through the days when you just want to hide under a blanket.
There are two categories that I want to cover when it comes to the often overwhelming sensory experiences of parenting. One is the concept of the highly sensitive person, which you may be familiar with through the work of Elaine Aron. The other is sensory processing. Let’s start with high sensitivity.
HSP
HSP is the acronym for the highly sensitive person. As mentioned, Elaine Aron, wrote a book by the name that explores in depth, the experience of living as an HSP. HSP’s are people with more highly attuned central nervous system responses. These responses can be physical, emotional, or social. Due to the sensitivity of the nervous system response in an HSP, you experience the world with greater awareness than the average person. This is both a strength and a challenge.
An emotional example: You might be very emotionally perceptive and can pick up on the feelings of those around you without them saying anything. This often creates a high amount of capacity for empathy and compassionate response. It also can feel burdensome and you may feel your own emotions to a much greater extent than most people around you, sometimes resulting in feeling misunderstood and lonely.
A physical/sensory example: Maybe you thoroughly enjoy the experience of going for a hike and smelling the wildflower, feeling the sun on your skin, and the wind in your face. Also, it might feel like an impossibility to stay calm while your partner taps on the counter while waiting for the teapot to boil. The noise is incredibly disorienting and makes you feel like you could scream. You don’t know why you’re overcome with rage over a small noise.
These are just two examples out of countless opportunities where a highly sensitive person has access to much greater awareness and pleasure while simultaneously feeling sideswiped by a seemingly neutral stimuli response.
Sensory Processing
We mostly think of sensory processing when we talk about small children’s development. Actually, it’s something adults also contend with daily but some are far more sensitive to the details of their sensory experience than others. This goes hand in hand with HSP. I don’t like to reference the sensory experience as a disorder, but some people do find their sensory processing experience to be disorienting. For those with more highly attuned nervous systems, sensory experiences can be the difference between a good day and a really rough one.
One of the primary concepts of sensory experience that I want you to be aware of is the difference between sensory seeking and sensory defensive. Most people gravitate toward one sensory preference over the other but some people have both that distinguish themselves in different contexts.
Sensory Seeking
For someone who is sensory seeking, your brain needs a lot of stimuli in order to organize itself and operate at optimal capacity. You might be drawn to listening to multiple things while you work. Maybe you enjoy chewing gum or find particular foods to be strongly pleasing. Perhaps you have an everlasting love for your weighted blanket or feel invigorated at a concert. The point is that sensory stimulation is pleasant and necessary for you. It’s where you feel your most regulated.
Sensory Defensive
For those who are sensory defensive (hello! It’s me), you might find particular noises, decimals, or pitches to be intolerable. In contrast to the sensory seekers need for stimuli in order to feel regulated in their central nervous system, you need a lack of stimuli to feel regulated. You may find yourself most at peace in the quiet. Maybe you can’t handle spicy or highly flavorful foods. The feeling of a rough surface or the brightness of a light may feel like it literally makes your nerves go haywire. The smell of that scented candle at your friend’s house is enough to make you nauseas. These experiences are common for those whose nervous system needs the volume of their sensory experiences turned down due to the sensitivity of how much they pick up in their system each moment of every day.
As you might notice, it can be really challenging to live with heightened sensory processing needs. It also allows you to experience the beauty in the world in more vibrant color and flavorful taste. It’s a real mixed bag and if you live with someone who has the opposite sensory need from your own, it can feel really challenging to manage your internal experience daily.
Parenting With High Sensitivity
The experience of having a child in your home is naturally designed to be a highly sensory experience. Whether you have a kid who is practically jumping off the walls or one who is the pickiest eater you’ve ever known, you are inundated with sensory experiences. You are also responsible for helping these noisy little ones manage their own developing systems. And it’s not uncommon to feel overwhelmed in the process, maybe even desperately overwhelmed.
It takes some practice to set yourself up for success when you have a system that filters your myriad of sensory experiences in a way that has a more extreme impact on your brain, body, and emotions. But it is very possible to support your system in a way that feel less distressing and more empowering.
Resources To Regulate Your Nervous System
So, what do you do when your nerves are fried and you feel like you’re going to blow? Below is a list of tools to help regulate your nervous system when the sensory needs of your child are in opposition to your own. These are tools to help reduce the stimuli in your environment and soften your response. For those with sensory seeking tendency, you probably aren’t still reading because the stimuli of your child likely doesn’t feel very distressing to you. If you are overwhelmed by the stimulation of parenting, choose one of the following resources and see if it helps even a little in calming your system.
Run your hands under cold water for 30 seconds or splash your face with cold water. The temperature shock will help your nervous system to move out of an activated place and reset.
Get moving, outside if possible. A simple walk around the block actually can shift things a lot.
Practice havening, a technique where you caress your arms or embrace yourself as a way to offer yourself a holding experience. This helps your body remember that you are safe and cared for.
Sing or hum, this stimulates your vagus nerve, signaling calm to your brain.
Take a 7-11 breath. Breathe in for 7 seconds, hold briefly, and release 11 second.
Take a shower, changing the temperature from cold to hot if you need a reset or simply indulge in a quiet, warm shower by yourself.
Don't forget to feed yourself. Nutrients, particularly those from fruits, vegetables, and protein sources, are critical to regulating our systems.
Put something weighted over your body while you rest; ideally a weighted blanket but even just a bag of rice over your chest can help in a pinch.
Stand in front of a fan and notice your sensory experiences.
Chew on something crunchy like ice, carrots, or popcorn.
Connect with someone you trust to listen to you when you need to process your emotions.
Put some headphones on to dampen the noise. Please be sure you can still hear your children if they need you but feel no shame in quieting the volume on the noise input.
If you would like to learn more about the nervous system, sensory processing, or HSP, please check out the following resources
As always, reach out if you could use more support. I offer national parent coaching for those who are looking for non-judgmental support through the challenges of parenthood. Wishing you well! – Rachael