THE COMPLEXITY OF MOTHER’S DAY
Is mother’s day complicated or what?! I don’t know of a more complex holiday to be celebrated. As a therapist who sees many women, mothers and daughters alike, there is no holiday that parallels the complexity of the celebration of mothers day. Whether you want to birth a child and can’t get pregnant, have a mother who is harmful or difficult to celebrate, have lost a mother and feel aching grief, or simply are a mother who doesn’t get adequate acknowledgement and care for the work that you do; this holiday is one that often leaves us feeling let down, sad, and confused.
Here's the deal, mothers are the backbone of society, in my opinion. They should absolutely be celebrated for all the unpaid, unacknowledged labor they do to raise children who will grow into our future. If you are a mother, please, if you can, take this one day of the year and ask for whatever you need to feel taken care of and restored. God knows, you deserve more than a single day.
That being said, mothering isn’t singularly reserved for those who birth a child and our culture isn’t great about including those who have diverse experiences. There are many non-birthing mothers who are far more nurturing toward their children than a birth parent may be. There are many people who mother outside of a daily parenting role. There are full-time single moms who don’t get the privilege of acknowledgement and support, even though they are working far harder than the rest of us. There are also mothers who are checked out and harmful and yet demand to be celebrated on this holiday. My point is clear; this is a complex holiday that comes with a lot of feelings for most women. So, if you aren’t thrilled about this day, you’re certainly not alone. And, if you are excited and have the support and care you need, as a mother or a daughter, that’s amazing. Celebrate that.
If it’s right for you to continue reading, this post will offer a definition of mothering, some strategies to soothe yourself if you find the holiday difficult, and resources to help you move through your unique experience of mothering. The intent is to offer care and support, so that you can mindfully move through this day with care for yourself, first and foremost.
DEFINING MOTHER
Technically, mothering is simply defined as a woman in relation to her child. There is no definition for how a child becomes hers or even what defines her as a woman. As you can see, there is a lot of room for interpretation here. My definition for a mother is this:
A person who provides consistent care, support, and counsel to another; so as to become an attachment figure for that person.
Think of attachment as a significant relationship in which two people feel bonded and identified in relation to the other. Attachment can be healthy or unhealthy. In a healthy attachment, we feel safe and secure with the person with whom we are attached. When unhealthily attached, we still feel identified in relation to the person and we may even feel bonded, but there is an undercurrent of anxiety or avoidance due to feelings of insecurity or unsafety. So, there is plenty of room to have either secure or insecure attachment with a mother, no matter the structure of that relationship.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF DIFFICULT MOTHER’S DAY EXPERIENCES
For those who have difficulty on mother’s day, due to their experience of their own mother, it may be that there is some level of anxious or avoidant attachment between the two of you. In some way, your mother may not have had access to the resources needed to be a consistently secure place for you, thus leaving you in a dance between desire for her care and avoidance of or anxiety about being with her. This is so confusing internally, especially on a day like mother’s day, where the expectation is for you to feel unhindered gratitude for mom.
Maybe you are a mother who came to parenting nontraditionally. Whether that was intended or the byproduct of loss and grief, there is often great loneliness in feeling like an outsider in your experiences. This is particularly true for the role of mother, where you give of yourself endlessly without the ownership awarded to mothers who were privileged with the culturally normative experience of birthing a child. If you have a primary role in a person’s life where you are responsible for nurturing them and guiding them along their path, you deserve every bit as much ownership as a birth mother.
Perhaps you are a person who has lost a mother with whom you had a lovely, secure attachment and you feel the ache of unspeakable grief. This day may be so difficult for you as you see others celebrating and gathering in a way that you won’t ever have the opportunity to do with your own mother again. The grief you experience is lonely in its own right and is so difficult to have highlighted on a day where you can’t escape the reality of your loss.
These experiences are just a few of the possible challenges that many women face each year on this holiday. It’s difficult, lonely, and often filled with grief. And while you aren’t alone in your experience, your unique reality is your own. It is normal to feel sad, lonely, or discouraged on this day and appropriate to give yourself the space to feel all of that.
SELF-CARE STRATEGIES AND RESOURCES
So what do you do if this day is difficult for you or you’re feeling grief or loneliness? There are many strategies that you can utilize to help soothe your heart and your body as you navigate the day. One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself when you are feeling upset or overwhelmed is to work on soothing your central nervous system. Here is a list of activities you can try from home to soothe your system and get the support you deserve:
Run your hands under cold water for 30 seconds or splash your face with cold water. The temperature shock will help your nervous system to move out of an activated place and reset.
Practice havening, a technique where you caress your arms or embrace yourself as a way to offer yourself a holding experience. This helps your body remember that you are safe and cared for.
Get moving, outside if possible. A simple walk around the block actually can shift things a lot.
Take a 7-11 breath. Breathe in for 7 seconds, hold briey, and release 11 second.
Sing or hum, this stimulates your vagus nerve, signaling calm to your brain.
Take a shower, changing the temperature from cold to hot if you need a reset or simply indulge in a quiet, warm shower by yourself.
Don't forget to nourish yourself by feeding yourself nutrients that ground you. Think about vegetables that actually grow in the ground, i.e. carrots, potatos, onions, etc.
Put something weighted over your body while you rest; ideally a weighted blanket but even a simple bag of rice over your chest can help in a pinch.
Stand in front of a fan and notice your sensory experiences.
Chew on something crunchy like ice, carrots, or popcorn.
Connect with someone you trust to listen to you when you need to process your emotions.
Buy yourself some flowers
Check in with yourself about what would be most helpful to you.
All of these are great ways to reset your nervous system and communicate to your body that you can mother yourself from a place of care and kindness. That alone can offer so much healing for your heart.
If you would like to engage mothering from a more intellectual place, there are a number of great books I would recommend to you.
Essential Labor by Angela Garbes
An excellent book about the diverse roles of caretaking and mothering, the unseen work of women who bear the greatest caretaking burdens in our society, and the exploration of mothering as social change.
Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel
This book is for daughters of mothers who have been unable to provide consistent care or safety in relation to their daughters. It is heavy and not for the faint of heart but an excellent exploration of attachment and the impact of insufficient and/or harmful mothering experiences.
How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed by Megan Devine
A creative journal for those looking to explore grief from situations that don’t have a resolution. This is a particularly great resource for those experiencing infertility, although anyone experiencing grief could benefit from it.
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
As the name describes, this is a book for daughters who have lost their mothers.
These are just a few starting points to help support you as you navigate the challenges that mother’s day can bring up. If you are looking to do more individual work around loss, trauma, or grief in any of these categories, please reach out to me. I’d be happy to be of assistance or to get you pointed in the direction of someone else who can help if I’m not able. I wish you well in your particular process as a daughter or a mother.