3 STRATEGIES FOR NAVIGATING RELATIONSHIPS DURING INFERTILITY
It’s no secret that the process of infertility is stressful and exhausting. Many people find that this unfortunately bleeds over into their relationships with partners, friends, and extended family. Some common concerns that often arise in therapy are:
· When is infertility a problem for a couple?
· How do I navigate infertility when everyone else is pregnant?
· I’ve stopped attending social functions because I don’t want to be around friends or family who are pregnant or insensitive but now I’m all the more lonely!
Of course infertility is difficult relationally. How could it not be? It is important to remember that everyone’s experience is unique to them and taking care of yourself is key to navigating the complexities of relationships amidst your unique infertility story. After reading this post, you will be equipped with 3 strategies that serve to build hope for maintaining relational connection through your fertility process.
1. GET CLEAR ABOUT YOUR BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are tricky and they change through different experiences in our lives. When navigating infertility, it’s important to ask yourself, “What do I need from people in my life?” AND “What don’t I need from people in my life?” Identifying these parameters early will help you to build protective boundaries that will serve to keep you out of situations that are activating and give you the support you need during a vulnerable time.
Maybe you need people to check in and show that they care about the particular stages in your process but you don’t want your second cousin reporting to other family members about your most recent treatment. This is a great opportunity to identify who you want in the know and to ask them to check in with you directly once a month. After clearly communicating how and when they can support you, let them know that you’re not comfortable with them relaying your information with other friends and family. If that boundary is respected, move forward. If not, that’s information for you that this probably isn’t a good person to support you through this process. It can be a bit of trial and error in finding people who can safely and confidentially hold your reality with you but if you can get clear about the who, what, and when early, it will serve you along the way.
2. CONSIDER ASSIGNING A COMMUNICATIONS LEAD
Sometimes it can take a huge load off of you relationally to have a point person who can manage communications among your family or friend groups. Maybe your sister or best friend is someone you trust fully and has the capacity to take on communications for you. If they are willing, assign them as the person to send out updates to individuals you have identified when you have news you want to share. They are then in charge of managing responses and questions. You could even draft the communication yourself, send it to your communications lead, and have them send it out and subsequently be the point person for responses.
Again, offering clarity about who you want to know and what you are needing in response is so helpful here. A simple text like “Sarah had surgery today. The procedure went well. She will get results in two weeks. Currently, she is processing at home with her partner and will let us know when she is ready for check-ins.”
Sometimes it’s easier to receive help when you aren’t the one directly asking for it. Having a friend manage it gives you the distance to care for yourself and not worry about the stress that often comes with asking for help directly. You could add to the text message above “In the meantime, if anyone wants to send help via gift certificates for meal deliveries or cleaning services, those would be helpful in reducing Sarah and John’s stress over the coming weeks.”
Another example, “Sarah is going to be at our family gathering this weekend. While she is happy for those of us expecting or actively parenting, it’s a sensitive time for her. Keeping conversations around pregnancy to a minimum around Sarah would be really helpful for her so that she can stay engaged with our family this weekend. She isn’t wanting to discuss infertility this weekend but is happy to talk about other categories of life. Looking forward to seeing you all!” This offers clarity, creates parameters for engagements, and set’s you up to stay connected while navigating a sensitive stage of your life.
3. ASSESS WHEN AND HOW YOU CAN ENGAGE SUCCESSFULLY
Tracking your process, physically and emotionally, is important in identifying when you may feel more vulnerable and when you have capacity for greater engagement. Knowing that you often don’t feel your best when taking estrogen is a good note to take in managing your responses relationally. Tracking what feels good and what doesn’t is important in being able to stay engaged in a way that is sustainable.
If you are feeling irritable and angry, that’s probably not a good time to get into a discussion about your partners annoying habits. Try to engage conflict when your emotional reactivity is lower and your cognitive capacity is higher. This is difficult to do but if you ask yourself what the impact of an immediate response is on your relationship long term, you may be able to hold off on conflict that otherwise feels urgent.
In regard to social engagements, going to a baby shower may feel tolerable in month 3 of infertility treatments but not in year 2. That’s totally ok. The important piece here is communicating with your loved ones about where you’re at and trying to find spaces where it does feel tolerable to engage. Sending a short text to a friend who is having a baby shower saying, “I’m glad you’re being celebrated today. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. Maybe you and I could go for a walk sometime soon.” This is an honest way to acknowledge their celebration while buffering yourself from the pain it would cause to attend an event with such concentrated excitement around something that is difficult for you. Offering an alternate social interaction keeps you connected while not centering your relationship around an event that highlights your pain.
These suggestions are simply a start on how to maintain connection while protecting yourself from painful relational encounters. If you feel you could use social support or if your family/friends want to grow in their understanding of infertility, RESOLVE has a number of support groups and other resources to aid in the process of infertility.
Hopefully, this post has given you at least one take away that will be helpful in your own experience. If you would like more personalized and specialized care around your particular process, feel free to reach out to me for additional care through individual or couples infertility counseling.