HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Happy Holidays
The holiday season is upon us and whether you beam with cheer or can’t wait for it to be over, almost all of us are faced with the reality of an uptick in social and family gatherings. This post is intended to provide you with a few quick tips for engaging your friends and family this season. The suggestions are meant to be reference points while spending time with your loved ones and grounding yourself in the aftermath. Hopefully, they will be useful to draw from if you become overstimulated, anxious, or angry in response to heavy social engagement with people who may hold different values from your own. I mean, who decided that we should hold elections right before the holidays? Not helpful, right?! With that said, let’s dive right in.
Take Space for Yourself and Regulate Your Nervous System
Before and after, ideally, but at some point surrounding your social engagements, take some time to tend to yourself. Even just 10 minutes of alone time can help you reset your nervous system and engage out of a more secure internal state. If you want to learn more about the central nervous system and its impact on your emotions, this article by psychologist, Chelsea Long is a great place to start.
Visualize Positive Interactions
What would it look like to engage positively with your people, no matter the topics that come up? Can you imagine yourself offering kindness and curiosity while feeling free to excuse yourself if you find yourself in a conversation that is activating for you? If you can see it in your mind, you’ll be much better positioned to try it on in real time.
Practice A Generous Interpretation
The key word here is practice! Nobody gets it right all the time. There may be times when you feel offended or offput by the remarks of another. Try to find a small place of generosity inside for where they are coming from.
An example: A relative makes a comment about weight/race/politics/how you’re parenting that is offensive and you don’t want to engage. Instead of walking away and stewing in anger, try the following response:
“Can you please excuse me…
I need to go to the restroom, check in with my kids, attend to something in the kitchen, go get some fresh air because it’s warm inside, etc…”
If the person persists, you can plainly and kindly state that you’re not interested in engaging that topic at this time.
After getting out of the conversation, if that’s what’s best for you, try imagining how they came to their conclusions. Were they raised in an environment that prized maintaining a particular weight as a symbol of value? Maybe they have always lived in homogenous communities and haven’t been exposed to much diversity? Everyone’s values are rooted in longstanding beliefs and practices, often times dating back to childhood. It takes time and a lot of work to unlearn harmful ideas and behaviors. You are doing that work by coming to therapy and engaging your own biases and therapeutic processes. That’s amazing but not everyone is on the same timeline as you. Offering a generous interpretation for how they came to where they are is far healthier for YOU, internally, than getting caught in the magnetic pull towards judgement. It doesn’t make their actions or words right or acceptable, but it gives you more space inside to regulate yourself and show up for the rest of your gathering from a place of kindness over anger. Finally, offer yourself kindness when you aren’t able to handle these interactions seamlessly. This is a very difficult practice!
Acknowledge Your Emotions and Take Care of Yourself
Lonely, anxious, angry, overwhelmed, happy, excited? Maybe a mix of all in the same day? All of your emotional experiences are valid and deserve space for recognition. They might be dismissed by others but you have the power to tend to them yourself. Maybe take a second to put your hand over your heart, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say to your emotion “I hear you. You can take up space in me!” Behavioral science shows us that the more we dismiss or ignore our emotions, the bigger they get. Take a second to let your emotion be. It won’t be there forever and will likely subside more quickly if you give voice to it.
Now you have 4 tips for surviving family and friends over the holidays, feel free to try any of them on at your next holiday gathering and see if it helps you get through with a little more calm inside. They work in any environment…office parties, family dinners, even one-to-one interactions at home. Here’s to a healthy holiday season for you, however that may look!