5 CONSIDERATIONS FOR WHEN PARENTING IS HARD

Parenting can be so rewarding and bring so much joy but sometimes, it’s so difficult. It’s important to acknowledge that and to be reminded that it’s hard for everyone sometimes. This post will explore ways to help yourself through the difficult stretches and to recognize that your needs as a parent are just as valid as your child’s needs.

First, I want to acknowledge that the reasons parenting is hard are very diverse and range significantly in severity from one family to the next. This post is generalized and offers perspectives that are definitely worth consideration for your situation. But you also might have a situation that could be more complex than a blog can synthesize. I’d encourage you to take what you can with a posture of curiosity and willingness to try and leave what doesn’t serve you.

Okay, whether it’s toddler tantrums, demand avoidance, or sheer exhaustion on your part, there are countless scenarios in which a day of parenting can feel like an uphill climb. That’s normal. But what do you do when that day turns into a week, turns into a month, etc.? Those seasons of parenthood can feel impossibly challenging sometimes, so I want to provide you with 5 perspectives and resources to navigate through with a little more support and hope.

EXPECTATIONS

Almost everyone wakes up with a script in mind for how the day is going to go when we have kids. Whether it’s school and soccer practice or a casual weekend lounging at home, you often have an idea in your mind for what you want for yourself and your child for the day. When that gets thrown out, delayed, or interrupted due to a child’s mood or behavior, it can be so disorienting. Parents often feel mad, frustrated, embarrassed, anxious, or sad when they are forced to pivot because of the needs of a child who doesn’t have the same script in mind. When this happens consistently over a period of time, it can be so draining. That is totally fair!

There is a phrase we use in therapy a lot that goes “What we resist, persists!” The idea is that if you are trying to outrun an emotion, like anxiety, it is just going to persist and ultimately get louder in presentation and symptomatology. The same is true with kids. If they are needing something and we are resisting it by trying to pull them out of their feelings and into our scripts, they will just get louder and the pattern will continue.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to their every demand, but if you are seeing a consistent pattern, it would be good to assess what your child is trying to tell you through their resistant behavior, outbursts, or meltdowns. It may be as simple as them needing more time to get going in the morning or having a sensory issue that could be resolved and lead to a more easeful transition at bedtime. There are a number of things that could be going on but if you start by asking yourself, “What is the behavior telling me about my child’s underlying need?”, you’re likely to find an arrow that points you toward a more easeful experience with your child.

Finally, setting expectations at the beginning of the day is so important as a parent. When we only draw the card of expectations that the day is going to go according to our scripts, we are almost surely going to be disappointed, angry, or deflated. Kids are unpredictable and don’t fall in line with our expectations often. So practicing flexibility of mind and resource at the beginning of the day sets you up mentally to pivot when needed with less frustration and more confidence.

An example could be that you planned to go to the gym at 5am and be home before everyone woke up for the day. But your child woke up early and you couldn’t get them back to sleep. Now you’re stuck at home and feeling resentful because you can’t fit in your time that you worked so hard to carve out for yourself. This would be frustrating and disspointing to anyone.

However, if you set expectation for yourself that you’d like to fit movement into your day in some other way during the day, you’re likely to get creative about other ways to get your need met while riding the waves of disruption that come with parenting. Maybe you walk circles at the park later that day while your kid plays on the playground or maybe you do a youtube exercise video during screen time for 20 mins. It’s not perfect or ideal but it still gets you what you need while moving with the unique rhythm of the day.

YOUR CHILD’S UNDERLYING NEEDS

Wouldn’t it be great if kids had the capacity to communicate verbally when they need more support around something as opposed to having a meltdown? Unfortunately, that’s not the case and it’s important to remember that kids are learning EVERYTHING. They don’t know how to use their words all the time. They don’t know how to regulate their big feelings or manage their time or navigate difficult social interactions. Everything is a learning experience for them and it can be exhausting to learn all day.

For most kids, an exhausting day or experience leads to a moment or a day that is more difficult for them and subsequently for you as their parent. But sometimes days turn into weeks turn into months, in which case it can be helpful to ask yourself, “Is there something more my child is needing that I can’t identify on my own?” If you are attending to them with curiosity and making space for their emotions and helping them through transitions but they are still struggling, it might be time for you to ask for help.

Working with an occupational therapist, a parenting coach or therapist, your pediatrician, or other child development specialists can shine light on unique needs that some kids have that may be more challenging to identify from home. Many parents feel hesitant to utilize these resources out of fear of being judged but it’s actually such a strength to know where your limitations are as a parent and to be able to ask for help. Identifying needs that you wouldn’t have known about on your own and learning how to address them can completely change the dynamic in your home for the better.

PARENTAL CONTROL AND PRIORITIES

Another important consideration that is difficult but important is your level of control as a parent. The need to have control is often birthed out of anxiety which makes so much sense. Whether you are concerned about your child’s safety, their level of nutrition, their social interactions, or any other number of things, you are likely going to respond with a level of control over their environment and behavior in order to make sure they get what they need.

It's important, however, to assess the value of any area where you are being met with resistance. How much of a priority is it to you? That’s what I want you to ask yourself. Because there are an endless number of things to control throughout your child’s day and if you try to catch all of them, you and your child will feel exhausted.

Let’s use food as an example. Is it important for kids to get fruits and vegetables, protein, and fiber into their diets? Absolutely. Is concern about the impact on their development realistic? Of course! Is it worth a full-fledged battle every night at dinner? Probably not. Every situation is different but my guess is that there are ways to acknowledge their preferences, your value for positive nutrition, and not have to fight every meal. Maybe they eat far more pouches than you’d prefer but that’s how they will peacefully intake some produce. Can that be good enough?

This isn’t a question I can answer for you but it’s a consideration that’s important. How much of a priority is it to you that your child eats broccoli for dinner? Is there a different way to get them those nutrients that doesn’t cause so much chaos at mealtime?

You get the point. Sometimes we get stuck on particulars that just don’t matter in the long run and it causes friction that could be mitigated. Sometimes there are creative alternates to attend to your values for your kid while acknowledging their needs and preferences in a given moment. Both are often very possible when we are willing to question our need for control and the level of priority any single decision has.

DEVELOPMENT ISN’T ALWAYS LINEAR

We are taught that our kids should grow and learn on an upward trajectory with their peer groups. Much like a staircase, they should progress linearly with upward motion. This actually isn’t the case at all for a lot of kids and a lot of humans in general, no matter the age. We actually are much more inclined towards asynchronous development.

Asynchronous development refers to the uneven development of an individual across various skillsets and categories. A child might be quite emotionally mature and socially competent beyond their peer group but may struggle with coordination and gross motor skills. This is one example of asynchronous development. They also might make huge strides in their capacity to engage new skills only to seemingly take several step backs a month later. This is quite normal.

We look at development in this way more with the image of a roller coaster that is trending upward but has peaks and dips along the way. Two steps forward, one step back. We know this to be true in the infant years when we talk about sleep regression. You baby is sleeping for solid stretches of time and then suddenly regresses to sleep patterns from a couple months ago. The same is true for older kids in other areas of their development.

Being aware of this pattern and adjusting your expectations accordingly can be immensely helpful in supporting your child through the dips in their progressive development. It’s a much more realistic and gentle approach to their growth and creates space for them to feel confident that they will ultimately very likely meet developmental goals, despite the peaks and dips that come along the way.

MAKING SPACE FOR YOU

Sometimes parenting is hard because you have been running on empty for too long. I will say this until the end of time, you can’t pour out of an empty cup. Maybe when you look at this stage of parenting and asses the considerations we have explored, you come to the conclusion that your needs aren’t being met and you’re consistently depleted. That would be reason enough for parenting to feel exceptionally difficult.

I know it’s difficult to create space for yourself as a parent but it is imperative toward the sustainability of your parenting process. Get creative, ask for help, and prioritize your need for rest or play or fun. Because you can’t show up well for your child if you aren’t showing up for yourself. 

This is a start in considering the causes for parenting difficulties. As mentioned, it doesn’t address every situation or scenario. If you need further support, I’d encourage you to reach out to one of the professionals mentioned. I will also include a list of parenting books that are gold if you are looking for at home resources to grow your understanding and awareness of you and your child. Take care! – Rachael

RESOURCES

Parenting From the Inside Out – Daniel Siegel, Mary Hartzell

The Whole Brain Child - Daniel Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson

Good Inside – Dr. Becky Kennedy

Positive Parenting Solutions to Raise Highly Sensitive Children - Jonathan Baurer

DISCLOSURE: This post may contain affiliate links, which means that I get a commission if you decide to make a purchase through a link I have provided, at no additional cost to you.