WHAT GRIEF LOOKS LIKE
Everyone has experienced grief in some form. But how exactly does grief present itself? Where is grief felt in the body? Why does grief come in waves? Will grief ever go away? These are all common questions that people ask about grief and the purpose of this post is to explore these questions and offer some tangible steps to process grief in your own life.
WHAT DOES GRIEF LOOK LIKE? HOW DOES IT PRESENT?
Grief looks different for everyone. Some people experience it through heightened emotions like anger, sadness, or even rage. Others experience it in their physical bodies. And some don’t notice it as much until specific moments that remind them of their loss, when they feel overwhelming sensations of all kinds for a moment and then it fades. We all experience different flavors and intensities of grief and we all have different preferences for how to move through it.
Many people refer to the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were named by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross intended for these stages to be localized to the experience of dying but culturally they became synonymous with generalized grief. While you may experience any of these emotions during your grief process, it’s important to identify the intent of the process as laid out by the author. However, if it helps you to have a framework for your own grief process, use what is beneficial to you from those stages.
WHERE IS GRIEF FELT IN THE BODY?
For those who experience grief via physical sensations, there are a number of places where the body can metabolize feelings associated with grief. People can experience grief in their muscles, skin, brain, tissues, and even in your immune system. Grief acts as a stressor in our bodies so when we are experiencing it more significantly, it can signal to our nervous system to stay in the sympathetic (fight or flight) response for longer than what is generally healthy. This can cause tension, pain, and weaken our immune systems, making us more susceptible to sickness. What an unfortunate reality when you’re already struggling with something so difficult. Thankfully, there is a lot we can do to discharge the impact of grief on our physical bodies. More on that below.
WHY DOES GRIEF COME IN WAVES?
The short answer is that it is for sustainability. If we experienced the height of our feelings of grief all the time, until it was fully passed, we wouldn’t be able to function. Grief is intense and the emotions that get activated alongside grief are also intense. It can be really disorienting and dysregulating to feel such intensity emotionally and physically. But most of us still have jobs and families to show up for, making it imperative to be able to function day-to-day. So, our bodies and brains protect us from destabilizing lengths of grief experiences by portioning our experiences of grief in waves. Of course, grief feels more constant directly after a loss but over time, it spreads out. The intensity might still be as significant months or even years down the road when a wave does roll in, but it doesn’t last as long and it gets easier to move back into your functional life on the other side of that wave. It’s a protective mechanism of the brain to spread out our experience of grief, allowing us capacity to recover and navigate the practicalities of life.
WILL GRIEF EVER GO AWAY?
Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. Grief comes in different shapes and sizes. If you lost a pet, the grief may subside over time until you don’t realize it except in fleeting thoughts of affection for the pet. If you lost a parent or partner, you will likely always feel some level of grief around this loss. It probably will subside in intensity over time but you will probably be surprised by waves of grief that bubble up years after the initial loss. The significance and length of the relationship is a major determinant for the length and intensity of grief. Even if you do experience a loss that creates lasting grief, there is hope in knowing that the intensity and frequency of your grief experience will fade over time. It does get better.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT GRIEF?
If you are experiencing grief and it feels hopelessly deep, please know that it will pass. It won’t always be this painful. In the meantime, some of the best things you can do to process grief are as follows:
Seek out a therapist, if you don’t already have one. Processing your experience with a trained professional is proven to be immeasurably helpful in discharging difficult feelings and getting quality support.
Read this post on ways to regulate your nervous system.
Engage a grief workbook like this one or make journaling a part of your process.
Find a support group like this one to provide community and support, so that you aren’t as alone in your experience.
If you are in a time of grief and are looking for more support, feel free to reach out to me here. I’d be happy to help or point you in the direction of a resource that could be useful to you. In the meantime, take extra good care of yourself and know that you will move through this difficult time. There is hope.
Rachael