CORE PRINCIPLES AND BENEFITS OF ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Do you feel confused by all the different models of parenting these days? Maybe it’s hard to tease out one from another and to know which is best for you. There’s a lot of information available today and it can be hard to figure out what’s credible information versus opinion. This post is intended to provide you with well researched content about the structure of one particular model, attachment parenting. After reading this, you’ll be able to identify how this model could fit for you and find additional resources if you’re interested in learning more.
What Is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting is born out of attachment theory and is centered around developmental psychology. It prioritizes the bond and connection between child and primary caregiver(s). During the 1960’s, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth collaborated on the development of attachment theory as we know it today. Others, like Dan Seigel, have made considerable contributions to the theory over the decades. Attachment theory poses that children form one of four specific attachment patterns in their early development, depending on how their caregivers respond to them. The four attachment patterns are linked to different outcomes in that child’s behavior and wellbeing as they move into adulthood.
A highly responsive and attuned caregiver is providing a safe and secure environment and therefore, strong attachment bond for their child. This creates confidence and safety in the child, preparing them for healthy and successful exploration of the world around them. A caregiver who is less responsive, due to any number of reasons including distractions, mental or physical illness, lack of sensitivity or empathy, etc., creates an environment in which the child feels insecure and uncertain about their safety. Over time, this creates an attachment style that is driven by avoidance, anxiety, or both. As you can see, secure attachment with an attuned caregiver is the ideal scenario for a small child. You can read more about attachment theory here, if you are interested in learning more.
Attachment parenting was first referenced by William Sears in the 1990’s. He defined attachment parenting by the following tenants:
Prepare For Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
Use Nurturing Touch
Respond With Sensitivity
Provide Consistent and Loving Care
Feed With Love and Respect
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
Practice Positive Discipline
I’m not going to go into each of these principles because they are fairly self-explanatory and you can research more if you desire. I do, however, want to review some beneficial techniques of attachment parenting that will help you understand how to utilize the tenants that we just reviewed.
No One-Size-Fits All Solutions
The principles laid out in attachment parenting are not formulaic or rigid. They are intended to be a loose guideline for you. It is encouraged that you take into consideration your unique family dynamics, child, and needs when parenting. This is less straight forward up front but creates more satisfying long-term results because it teaches you to tailor your approach to your specific situation. We are not aiming to quickly fix or modify behaviors, but rather, to identify what unwanted behaviors are telling us, whether they are coming from your child or yourself. You then utilize the information gleaned and pivot according the need that is being expressed. The idea is that you are creating consistent boundaries and structures for your child from a place of warmth, understanding, and adaptability.
Grow-With-You Approach
This may feel like a tall order; boundaries and warmth at the same time. It definitely takes practice and just as attachment parenting stresses gentleness with your child, it is also necessary for you, as the caregiver. Perfection is not possible. You are given space to make mistakes, apologize when necessary, and grow from what you learned. We don’t scold kindergarteners for coloring outside of the lines, and we shouldn’t criticize ourselves for learning how to parent in practice either. All of life is practice. Sometimes you ace it and sometimes you don’t. Gentleness, repair, and growth are the keys to parenting from an attachment lens.
Strengths Based Model
As opposed to focusing only on what isn’t working for you or in your child’s problematic behaviors, this model works from a top-down approach. Yours and your child’s strengths are the key to addressing your challenges, not the other way around. We are often taught that if we focus on our challenges and change those, then we become stronger. The reality is, if we use our unique strengths to address our challenges, we are much more empowered and motivated to make lasting change. This is strengths-based parenting.
An example: Maybe you have a short fuse and find yourself snapping at your kid more often than you’d like to admit. Instead of starting by focusing on your anger and feeling bad about your behavior and your inability to will yourself into a more positive response, let’s look for an area of strength. Perhaps you have a very consistent meditation practice that provides you a great deal of serenity and calm. Using this strength that you already have built into your life is a great place to start. When you begin to feel angry and charged in your body, take a break. Do a short meditation. Let your child know you need to take a break and come back to the issue in a few minutes. Get yourself grounded and then help your child through whatever challenge they are facing using this same model for them. Sometime you need to create the space to take care of yourself first, before you can show up at your best as a parent. It’s ok to take 2 minutes to catch your breath while your child has a tantrum. Let them know you are catching your breath and will be back for them in a minute. This models how they can take a break for themselves when they need emotional regulation. So powerful!
It Takes A Village
It’s no surprise that we live very individualistic lives in the United States. We are taught to believe that we can do it all ourselves, with enough grit and grind. That narrative couldn’t be further from the truth, at least not if you want to do “it all” well, particularly when it comes to parenting. We are designed to be communal, collective, and collaborative people. If you are doing it all alone and are feeling like you just can’t keep up, it’s no wonder….you can’t. Given that we have structured our lives apart from community, I want to acknowledge that it’s not easy to find and build it. I get that. But learning how to trust in and depend on other people in your community, is not just beneficial to you but more so to your child.
Community provides relief for the weight of parenting but it also provides critical relationships and connections for your children. If you can get intergenerational ties forged, all the better. It’s so important for kids to get perspective on how different people live and move about their lives through various decades and stages. It’s important for them to feel cared for and loved by people outside of your family. It teaches security in their world, which we have already delineated as critical to their exploration and growth. So, take a courageous step, and maybe exchange play dates with another caregiver from your child’s school or take a baked good to your elderly neighbor. Forging relationships now is how you plant the seeds for supportive community in the future.
There are so many different models for parenting. So many different opportunities to feel like you’re not getting it right. Hopefully, this post has provided a hopeful framework for how to look at parenting from an attachment lens and empowers you with some flexible guidelines for implementation. You can be a great parent by utilizing a number of different strategies. The emphasis here is on giving yourself and your child understanding and care as you learn and grow and finding support along the way. If I can be of particular support to you, feel free to reach out to me here. I’m always eager to help another caregiver navigate the complexity of parenthood. You’ve got this.