WHY DOES MY CHILD LIE? 5 STEPS TO REDUCE LYING

Did you know that moral reasoning doesn’t develop in a child until around age 8-9? My guess is that your child started lying far earlier than that and you are worried that they don’t have a moral compass. They don’t! Not yet, at least. So, what is lying about then? And what can you do about it as a parent? I can’t wait to tell you.

This post will provide the science behind lying, the reasons your child is motivated to lie, and steps you can take to help them rely on healthier alternatives to get their needs met. You will have actionable strategies to help your child adopt a practice of truth-telling that will integrate into their growing moral reasoning development. So, let’s begin.

WHY DO KID’S LIE?

Lying is actually a critical part of development. It is part of the way your child develops executive functioning, determining how to nuance a lie in a way that makes sense in the greater context of their environment. Lying integrates the processing of social norms, impulse control, and utilizes identification of cause and effect. Your child is doing all of this starting during the preschool years, well into childhood. It is very much developmentally appropriate for your child to lie and it’s your job to help them learn moral development through a non-shame-based approach. But to do that, you need to understand the motivation of a lie.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CONNECTION

Children and adults alike, most often lie out of fear of losing connection. When a child feels afraid that they will be punished for stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, they know intrinsically that it is safer to tell a lie than to own their behavior. They are totally dependent on you as their parent; physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is biologically imperative for them to maintain connection to you for their survival. So that survival brain brilliantly determines that a lie gives them a better chance of staying connected to their life source than the truth, particularly if they have experienced punishment for telling the truth about unwanted behaviors.

Think about it this way, a 4 year old doesn’t have the developmental maturity for impulse control. When they see a cookie in a glass jar on display, they aren’t actually able to resist the impulse to satisfy their brains demand for a dopamine surge through that cookie. Their brain says, “Eat the cookie NOW!” They aren’t thinking about consequences. They are acting out of the stronger urges in their brain for pleasure over the mental reasoning skill of cause and effect. Now, of course, as your child ages, there will be more awareness of mom saying “No cookies until after dinner.” But even so, the impulse need will likely override the consequential thinking capabilities for quite some time.

So if your child isn’t developmentally able to resist impulse urges and takes a cookie and then you ask them, “Did you take a cookie from the cookie jar?”, they are likely going to respond with a big, fat “NO!”. This is particularly true if they are worried about being sent to time-out or losing out on tomorrow’s cookie, both equating to a loss of pleasure and connection with YOU. This is a far greater motivator than the quick hit of a cookie. So your child lies and hopes that they have outsmarted you in order to keep connection and not get punished. Pretty smart, if you think about it.

IMAGINATION AND LYING

Lying can also be motivated by imaginational thinking. In modern culture, we have largely undervalued the crucial role of imaginative thinking and play based processing. It is critical for your child to process their world and experiences through play and even fantasy at time. Sometimes, kids process more significant experiences by making up stories that allow them to try on different outcomes.

If your child comes home from school and states that his friend Evan and him were playing pirates and Evan stabbed him with a sword, you may very well feel concerned. It may be worth asking the teacher if there was an accident but it’s likely that your child is processing the different outcomes of being poked by a simple stick at playtime. They could very well be reality testing and identifying the different outcomes of playing pirates and being stuck with an object. They are developing reality testing skills. This is normal and appropriate. There isn’t anything wrong with your child. But you can help them to accurately report as they grow these reality testing capacities.

5 SKILLS TO HELP YOUR CHILD TELL THE TRUTH

• Make reality testing a playful game. This helps develop skills around listening, thinking, and body language interpretation through observation. One popular game is called The Lying King. It goes like this:

  • Child tells a story. It can be true or false, real or make-believe.

  • You are the Lying King. The Lying King loves lies. You roar if you think the story is false or say “True” if you think the story is accurate.

  • If the Lying Kind is right, you get a point. If not, the storyteller gets a point.

  • Switch roles with your child, so they get to play the Lying King and you are the storyteller.

  • Continue switching until one player has 5 points. The player who gets 5 points first, wins and is crowned the Lying Kind.

• Emphasize your desire to stay connected to your child and help them when you identify a lie. Stay calm in tone and let them know that you see they took a cookie and want to collaborate on a way to reduce cookie-taking in the future. Maybe you decide together to put the cookies out of sight so that it’s easier not to take them. The idea here is collaboration in problem solving and help for your child’s developing impulse control.

• Resist punishments. We have plenty of research proving that children who have punitive upbringings actually have much lower moral development and lie more over the course of their lives than children who aren’t exposed to punitive environments. Help your child understand why they lie. Provide a sense of relatability by telling them that it’s sometimes hard for you to resist “the cookie” too. Come up with ways to boundary “the cookie” better, collaboratively, rather than punishing for innate impulses. This will teach them how to boundary their choices when they become older and aren’t being managed by a parent as opposed to simply feeling shame for over indulging or not knowing how to respect limits.

• Model truth-telling. I can’t overemphasize the power of modeling as a parent. Kids are constantly observing your actions and behaviors. They soak that in far more than your words. So, model what it looks like to tell the truth in difficult moments. Maybe create a scenario where you struggle to tell the truth but ultimately choose to, as a learning opportunity for them. An example may be leaving something small in your grocery cart after you have put all other items on the conveyer belt at checkout. At the last minute, say to the cashier “Oh, I forgot to put this item up. Can I add this to my checkout please?” This seemingly simple scenario shows your child that it’s ok to make mistakes but that it’s also important to make things right.

• Let your child know that you will love them no matter what. Behavior is not the sum of who we are and kids need to be reminded that it’s ok to be a human who is learning and growing, just like you. If connection is prioritized and they are secure in your unconditional love, they will be much less likely to lie.

Lying is a big topic and there is much more we could cover but this is a good start in identifying the “why” behind a lie. Utilizing the strategies suggested will give you a boost in helping your child grow confidence in their ability to tell the truth and stay connected to you, their most important relationship. Parenting is hard but you have the capacity to come to difficult moments from a place of calm and care, which will ultimately serve you and your child tenfold. As always, I welcome you to reach out if you could use more individualizes support. You can also visit the Parenting tab under my resources page to pick up some helpful books on parenting if you are interested in a deeper dive. I’m wishing you well in your process.